Village Church Condemns People Who Lisp!
In a sweeping statement about disability and the ability to be Christ-like, the Village Church made clear this past weekend their stance on at least one aspect of a Christ-like characteristic. "He doesn't speak with a lisp" or "have product" in his hair. Hey, wait. The
Village Church Condems People Who Use "Product"!
In a sweeping statement of arrogant intolerance and the ability to be Christ-like, the Village Church made clear their stance on yet another aspect of a Christ-like characteristic. "He sure darn* doesn't use 'product' in his hair". (* emphasis added by author.)
This and other shameless attempts to appeal to "today's youth" made up primarily of thugs and gang members sprang forth in a Starbuck's-fueled torrent on an innocent and unsuspecting crowd over the weekend at two campuses or campii. "Jesus wasn't effeminate. That's for dang* sure" ranted Matt Chandler to a congregation largely attentive in proportion to the volume of Matt's audio delivery. Holy Cow! (* emphasis added by author.)
Village Church Condemns People Who Are Effeminate!
It's getting to the point where this author simply cannot keep up with those entities which the Village Church staff so frequently choose to condemn. I would suggest that if you are interested in getting concise list of those things that the Village Church looks upon distastefully, you should contact your congressperson or senator, because that's the only way the Village Church will release any information whatsoever because you are too lowly and too pond-scum-like and as such you are not to be trusted with sensitive information.
Village Church Promotes Vigilante Violence!
In yet another confusing message from the pulpit, we are told as a congregation to "kick gluteous maximus and take names" when it comes to righting those things that are wrong. For example, Matt, this weekend, (or it could be easily construed to allege that he said this) essentially commanded us "to take the law into our own hands as violently as possible with the caveat that we are certain that the ultimate authority is God. If we (meaning you) are uncertain about this, then we (you) shouldn't do it. If on the other hand the voice you hear is telling you to commit vigilante violence, then by all means you should go right ahead and do it . . . for example, you should confront people who park in "handicap parking only" parking spaces who clearly -- in your view -- have no handicap and tear off their arm and beat them with it for a period of time." ( I am pretty sure this is a direct quote, although possibly it is not, and in reality bears virtually no resemblance to any remark ever made by any living entity at any time on any planet.)
Continued Chandler "Jesus ran some people out of the temple and apparently . . . (pause to build tension) . . . there was no resistance", Chandler emphasized, implying to me that Jesus looked a whole lot like that gigantic person who played Xerces in "300" which is without doubt a far more intimidating picture of Jesus than I am accustomed to seeing wherein he is back-lit and horsing around with butterflies and children in spring meadow. Now, if he's 9 feet tall with gargantuan King-Kong muscles and a nose ring and chains hung all over his face with spikes, then there is very good observational evidence to support the theory that he will effortlessly beat the snot out of you if you cross him.
All in all a very confusing and disturbing week end at the Village.
Monday, July 13, 2009
Thursday, May 28, 2009
The Village EXTREME!
In The Village Church tradition of "not being of the world, but being in the world" [at least I think that's how the tradition goes, it might be the other way around] in the form of dress and music but at the same time appearing to go to great lengths to "appeal" to the 20-something crowd, I think we should introduce EXTREME! Evangelism. I think EXTREME! Evangelism has massive tatoo-sporting, body piercing, Red-Bull drinking, X-Games participating, backwards-hat-wearing appeal. And along with EXTREME! prayer, not that every-day, old-fashioned, like-your-dad-prayed prayer, I mean EXTREME! prayer, we should see people you-know-what slappin' the greeters to get in the door.
Now, I have no idea what EXTREME! Evangelism implies any more that I understand what EXTREME! Carwash means on the sign in front of the "carwash" near the Vista Ridge Mall. I suspect it is the 20-something equivalent to "New and Improved" which applies to every product ever marketed in the Solar System . . . which is to say it is completely and totally meaningless.
If by now you are getting the impression that I have an EXTREME! problem with 20-somethings simply because I have mentioned them 2 or 3 times (depending on your philosophical stance on self-reference), then YOU are the one with a problem with 20-somethings, not me. I am an overweight, balding middle-age white person, which on the demographic scale of EXTREME! popularity and social desirability ranks just below germ and I am OK with that. We overweight, balding middle-age white persons have had our day running the universe and are more than willing (somewhat) to turn over responsibility to anyone who wants it.
Further, I think we should define EXTREME! Jesus who doesn't just turn over tables and throw out money changers. Dawg! He's you-know-what slappin' 'em and livin' large. He's a backwards hat wearin' dude! Knockin' back a brewski and talkin' to the ho's at the well . . . I'm running out of steam with this, largely because it's a horrible idea.
But, hey! I'm starting my EXTREME! blog as soon as I get my new EXTREME! laptop that I will attach to my EXTREME! network which uses EXTREME! bandwidth and costs me EXTREME! dollars for which I am going into EXTREME! debt and will require an EXTREME! amount of EXTREME! prayer and EXTREME! forgiveness because of the swear words I will likely use when I get the EXTREME! bill from Verizon.
In The Village Church tradition of "not being of the world, but being in the world" [at least I think that's how the tradition goes, it might be the other way around] in the form of dress and music but at the same time appearing to go to great lengths to "appeal" to the 20-something crowd, I think we should introduce EXTREME! Evangelism. I think EXTREME! Evangelism has massive tatoo-sporting, body piercing, Red-Bull drinking, X-Games participating, backwards-hat-wearing appeal. And along with EXTREME! prayer, not that every-day, old-fashioned, like-your-dad-prayed prayer, I mean EXTREME! prayer, we should see people you-know-what slappin' the greeters to get in the door.
Now, I have no idea what EXTREME! Evangelism implies any more that I understand what EXTREME! Carwash means on the sign in front of the "carwash" near the Vista Ridge Mall. I suspect it is the 20-something equivalent to "New and Improved" which applies to every product ever marketed in the Solar System . . . which is to say it is completely and totally meaningless.
If by now you are getting the impression that I have an EXTREME! problem with 20-somethings simply because I have mentioned them 2 or 3 times (depending on your philosophical stance on self-reference), then YOU are the one with a problem with 20-somethings, not me. I am an overweight, balding middle-age white person, which on the demographic scale of EXTREME! popularity and social desirability ranks just below germ and I am OK with that. We overweight, balding middle-age white persons have had our day running the universe and are more than willing (somewhat) to turn over responsibility to anyone who wants it.
Further, I think we should define EXTREME! Jesus who doesn't just turn over tables and throw out money changers. Dawg! He's you-know-what slappin' 'em and livin' large. He's a backwards hat wearin' dude! Knockin' back a brewski and talkin' to the ho's at the well . . . I'm running out of steam with this, largely because it's a horrible idea.
But, hey! I'm starting my EXTREME! blog as soon as I get my new EXTREME! laptop that I will attach to my EXTREME! network which uses EXTREME! bandwidth and costs me EXTREME! dollars for which I am going into EXTREME! debt and will require an EXTREME! amount of EXTREME! prayer and EXTREME! forgiveness because of the swear words I will likely use when I get the EXTREME! bill from Verizon.
Monday, May 11, 2009
Cycle of Insanity
Music at The Village: Redux
I also like:
Alice in Chains: "Rooster"
LSAT All Over Again
So . . . I sat in a 500-seat auditorium at the University of Missouri campus on a Saturday morning when I could have been doing 10,000 other things (Ok, maybe 2 other things: smoking dope or sleeping) and struggled with an odd test which included these comments at the beginning of each section. "Answer each of the questions in a way that is consistent with and does not contradict previous or subsequent answers. None of the questions presuppose any knowledge of the law." . . . or something like that. And to the best of my recollection, two of the problems went like:
1. A woman gets into a cab carrying a very expensive vase and she says to the cab driver "be careful you dolt. This is an expensive vase and I will hold you responsible for it if you drive crazily and cause it to break through your horrible driving, and we are participants in an LSAT question." And the cab driver says "I am not responsible for your expensive vase which you are carrying openly without any visible form of protection and whether or not we are participants in an LSAT question is irrelevant, and as to the quality of my driving vis a vis the safety of your vase, the two notions are unrelated." The cab drives away and, naturally, the vase gets shattered during transport.
2. A person gets into a cab in New York City and mentions nothing about being in a hurry or having a specific destination. The cab driver simply drives away and stops at a red light about 50 meters from where the disinterested passenger enetered the cab. At the red light, a person enters the cab with a machete and acts in a manner which indicates to the disinterested passenger and the cab driver that their lives are in grave danger ("What other kind of danger is there?" asks Jerk Nicholson -- no, that isn't a mispelling). The cab driver flings open his door and leaps from the cab to safety, though arguably, being in New York City, he was safer in the cab with a passenger wielding a machete in a menacing way.
RE 1: Is the cab driver responsible financially for the vase? The lady clearly stated that she would hold him responsible, and he didn't say "get out" and even though he told her "no, I'm not responsible" he didn't refuse to drive her to her unstated destination, but the vase was not in a protective case and there is no indication that the lady placed in safely on the seat or unsafely on the floor. So can we assume she was holding it, thereby absolving the cab driver of responsibility? By driving away does the cab driver tacitly accept responsibility? By not getting out of the cab when the driver says "I'm not responsible" does the woman accept the "contract" with the cab driver to transport her and her vase without obligation to pay for the vase if it is shattered?
RE 2: The cab driver leapt to safety leaving the passenger in a dangerous situation. Was the cab driver wrong to do that? Does "saving his own skin" override the negative connotation of "leaving the passenger to fend for himself"? Is the cab driver responsible for the safety of a passenger with respect to a non-driving, non-cab-ride related danger? Even in Manhattan? Does the cab driver tacitly accept responsibility for the safety a passenger in all regards once the passenger enters his cab? Does the passenger have the same responsibility for the cab driver's safety that the cab driver has for the passenger's safety? Assuming of course you believe that the cab driver has responsibility for the passenger. Do we as individuals have a responsiblity toward one another in a situation of danger or is the concept "every man for himself" a valid perspective in this world?
Oh, and quit trying to decipher this question from your own supposed "knowledge of the law". The question actually has nothing to do with the law. You are probably bogged down with tying to figure out who was wrong and who was right and if you are . . . you are a dope . . . because the premise to these questions said that the "answer" didn't presuppose any knowledge of the law, only that YOUR ANSWER MUST BE CONSISTENT AND NOT CONTRADICTORY WITH RESPECT TO PREVIOUS AND SUBSEQUENT ANSWERS. Sorry I was shouting, an F-15 was flying overhead and I was afraid you couldn't hear me. Clearly, if you are a cab driver, you have an opinion which is probably different from an opinion held by a woman plagued with shattered expensive vase syndrome derived from having ridden in New York cabs driven by third world illegal aliens who cannot speak English and in all likelyhood hate you. And just as clearly, if you have ever entered a cab carrying a machete that you just purchased at S*A*M*S sold to you by a very rude cashier leaving you with an awful buying experience, but nonetheless enabling you to chop at vegetation to clear a campsite for your boy scout campout only to have a cab driver leap from your cab for no apparent reason, you have a different perspective.
The point of the LSAT seemed to be that the concept of right and wrong are irrelevant when it comes to the law, something that every law show on television has hammered into our conscious over the last 50 years. What is relevant is to ensure that your decisions as as supreme court justice are not overturned because you are predisposed to dislike women carrying expensive vases. The point also seemed to me to be that it is OK that right and wrong are irrelevant provided you are consistent in your decision makeing and opinion forming . . . with one caveat: you must be in honest pursuit of the truth. Thus in the long run the truth will take care of itself.
That doesn't seem to be the case with God or the Bible. I am told that God doesn't change His mind. But my own "honest pursuit of the truth" seems to indicate that He does, but it doesn't lessen my opinion of Him. Yet the cogniscenti are rhetorically asking me "Where, hereritical scumbag?" and the places where He seems to me to be changing His mind are explained like "No, He just appears to be changing His mind. Actually, He knew how it was going to turn out and He was just teaching Adam, Abraham, Jonah, David a lesson" and off we go into a futile metaphysical discussion about the exercise of free will and the human inability to know all things.
If in my "honest pursuit of the truth" the Bible reveals to me that incest is OK and I belive in the Gospel with all my heart, will I be in different standing with God from someone who belives that incest is wrong and also believes in the Gospel with all his heart? Do you think the cogniscenti hold that it is fundamentally impossible to belive in the Gospel and also hold other beliefs about the Bible which in their view are wrong? (By 'cogniscenti' I am referring to people who honestly believe that the beliefs they hold came to them through the honest pursuit of the truth but your truth which you came to by your own honest pursuit of the truth is wrong.)
For example (since I am fairly certain that up to now I have made little if any sense), I once wrote to "the church" that perhaps the Second Coming of Christ would occur to each of us at our death and judging from the response from "the church" you'd have thought I suggested that Jesus was actually Gotama or had 9 heads or couldn't hit a low inside curve. No, reply email author, I honestly read the "multiple references in scripture proving your point" in the reply email which indicated just how wrong and misguided I was . . . and it wasn't nearly as obvious to me that I was wrong as was your clear intention to prove me so.
I was once told that "the main things are the plain things, and the plain things are the main things" by a wise individual who was trying to head off a challenge which I was not mature enough in my walk with Christ to enter into. I get it that to interpret the Bible in such a way as to satisfy us intellectually or twist the meaning of scripture to suit the way we want to see God is wrong. Really. I get it. But I am extremely uncomfortable when I am told that "this is the way it is" when that definition comes from man . . . any man. Ahhhh, the sweet paradox of Evangelical Christianity.
I once offered up the idea -- after having had a dream about just how incredibly wonderful the Bible is and how timeless is its value -- that it was written necessarily in a way such that different people IN HONEST PURSUIT OF THE TRUTH (sorry, a lorry with a fouled exhaust just passed by) would interpret it differently. And I was told "No. That's wrong. There's one way and only one way." I don't say this to condemn the idiot jerk-face rat-rot individual who said this to me, provided of course his intention and motivation for telling me that I was not only wrong but silly was rooted in his deep and sincere desire that my wretched soul be saved and not that his intellectual superiority be challenged by some ignorant lay person.
Pride? Of course. So answer this question smarty pants: A policeman enters a 7-11 and sees a man with a gun pointed directly at the face of a young, female cashier. The gunman is agitated and jumpy and CLEARLY about to pull the trigger of a very, very large caliber handgun. Unseen, the policeman draws his weapon and aims it at the man and suddenly realizes that he now has a bead on the no good scoundrel who "slept" with his wife. If he hesitates, pauses to ponder the philosophical quandry he now finds himself in, the innocent clerk dies: If he pulls the trigger, is he acting on the law and thereby serving justice, or "settling a personal score" in an act of raw vengeance? What difference does it make to the clerk, to the gunman?
If you really, really, really see no quandry, I'd like to talk to you. And wounding him non-fatally isn't an option.
I shall conclude this incoherant, meaningless ramble with a mathematical definition of God: God is the only entity that is not sujbect to the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle.
I also like:
Alice in Chains: "Rooster"
LSAT All Over Again
So . . . I sat in a 500-seat auditorium at the University of Missouri campus on a Saturday morning when I could have been doing 10,000 other things (Ok, maybe 2 other things: smoking dope or sleeping) and struggled with an odd test which included these comments at the beginning of each section. "Answer each of the questions in a way that is consistent with and does not contradict previous or subsequent answers. None of the questions presuppose any knowledge of the law." . . . or something like that. And to the best of my recollection, two of the problems went like:
1. A woman gets into a cab carrying a very expensive vase and she says to the cab driver "be careful you dolt. This is an expensive vase and I will hold you responsible for it if you drive crazily and cause it to break through your horrible driving, and we are participants in an LSAT question." And the cab driver says "I am not responsible for your expensive vase which you are carrying openly without any visible form of protection and whether or not we are participants in an LSAT question is irrelevant, and as to the quality of my driving vis a vis the safety of your vase, the two notions are unrelated." The cab drives away and, naturally, the vase gets shattered during transport.
2. A person gets into a cab in New York City and mentions nothing about being in a hurry or having a specific destination. The cab driver simply drives away and stops at a red light about 50 meters from where the disinterested passenger enetered the cab. At the red light, a person enters the cab with a machete and acts in a manner which indicates to the disinterested passenger and the cab driver that their lives are in grave danger ("What other kind of danger is there?" asks Jerk Nicholson -- no, that isn't a mispelling). The cab driver flings open his door and leaps from the cab to safety, though arguably, being in New York City, he was safer in the cab with a passenger wielding a machete in a menacing way.
RE 1: Is the cab driver responsible financially for the vase? The lady clearly stated that she would hold him responsible, and he didn't say "get out" and even though he told her "no, I'm not responsible" he didn't refuse to drive her to her unstated destination, but the vase was not in a protective case and there is no indication that the lady placed in safely on the seat or unsafely on the floor. So can we assume she was holding it, thereby absolving the cab driver of responsibility? By driving away does the cab driver tacitly accept responsibility? By not getting out of the cab when the driver says "I'm not responsible" does the woman accept the "contract" with the cab driver to transport her and her vase without obligation to pay for the vase if it is shattered?
RE 2: The cab driver leapt to safety leaving the passenger in a dangerous situation. Was the cab driver wrong to do that? Does "saving his own skin" override the negative connotation of "leaving the passenger to fend for himself"? Is the cab driver responsible for the safety of a passenger with respect to a non-driving, non-cab-ride related danger? Even in Manhattan? Does the cab driver tacitly accept responsibility for the safety a passenger in all regards once the passenger enters his cab? Does the passenger have the same responsibility for the cab driver's safety that the cab driver has for the passenger's safety? Assuming of course you believe that the cab driver has responsibility for the passenger. Do we as individuals have a responsiblity toward one another in a situation of danger or is the concept "every man for himself" a valid perspective in this world?
Oh, and quit trying to decipher this question from your own supposed "knowledge of the law". The question actually has nothing to do with the law. You are probably bogged down with tying to figure out who was wrong and who was right and if you are . . . you are a dope . . . because the premise to these questions said that the "answer" didn't presuppose any knowledge of the law, only that YOUR ANSWER MUST BE CONSISTENT AND NOT CONTRADICTORY WITH RESPECT TO PREVIOUS AND SUBSEQUENT ANSWERS. Sorry I was shouting, an F-15 was flying overhead and I was afraid you couldn't hear me. Clearly, if you are a cab driver, you have an opinion which is probably different from an opinion held by a woman plagued with shattered expensive vase syndrome derived from having ridden in New York cabs driven by third world illegal aliens who cannot speak English and in all likelyhood hate you. And just as clearly, if you have ever entered a cab carrying a machete that you just purchased at S*A*M*S sold to you by a very rude cashier leaving you with an awful buying experience, but nonetheless enabling you to chop at vegetation to clear a campsite for your boy scout campout only to have a cab driver leap from your cab for no apparent reason, you have a different perspective.
The point of the LSAT seemed to be that the concept of right and wrong are irrelevant when it comes to the law, something that every law show on television has hammered into our conscious over the last 50 years. What is relevant is to ensure that your decisions as as supreme court justice are not overturned because you are predisposed to dislike women carrying expensive vases. The point also seemed to me to be that it is OK that right and wrong are irrelevant provided you are consistent in your decision makeing and opinion forming . . . with one caveat: you must be in honest pursuit of the truth. Thus in the long run the truth will take care of itself.
That doesn't seem to be the case with God or the Bible. I am told that God doesn't change His mind. But my own "honest pursuit of the truth" seems to indicate that He does, but it doesn't lessen my opinion of Him. Yet the cogniscenti are rhetorically asking me "Where, hereritical scumbag?" and the places where He seems to me to be changing His mind are explained like "No, He just appears to be changing His mind. Actually, He knew how it was going to turn out and He was just teaching Adam, Abraham, Jonah, David a lesson" and off we go into a futile metaphysical discussion about the exercise of free will and the human inability to know all things.
If in my "honest pursuit of the truth" the Bible reveals to me that incest is OK and I belive in the Gospel with all my heart, will I be in different standing with God from someone who belives that incest is wrong and also believes in the Gospel with all his heart? Do you think the cogniscenti hold that it is fundamentally impossible to belive in the Gospel and also hold other beliefs about the Bible which in their view are wrong? (By 'cogniscenti' I am referring to people who honestly believe that the beliefs they hold came to them through the honest pursuit of the truth but your truth which you came to by your own honest pursuit of the truth is wrong.)
For example (since I am fairly certain that up to now I have made little if any sense), I once wrote to "the church" that perhaps the Second Coming of Christ would occur to each of us at our death and judging from the response from "the church" you'd have thought I suggested that Jesus was actually Gotama or had 9 heads or couldn't hit a low inside curve. No, reply email author, I honestly read the "multiple references in scripture proving your point" in the reply email which indicated just how wrong and misguided I was . . . and it wasn't nearly as obvious to me that I was wrong as was your clear intention to prove me so.
I was once told that "the main things are the plain things, and the plain things are the main things" by a wise individual who was trying to head off a challenge which I was not mature enough in my walk with Christ to enter into. I get it that to interpret the Bible in such a way as to satisfy us intellectually or twist the meaning of scripture to suit the way we want to see God is wrong. Really. I get it. But I am extremely uncomfortable when I am told that "this is the way it is" when that definition comes from man . . . any man. Ahhhh, the sweet paradox of Evangelical Christianity.
I once offered up the idea -- after having had a dream about just how incredibly wonderful the Bible is and how timeless is its value -- that it was written necessarily in a way such that different people IN HONEST PURSUIT OF THE TRUTH (sorry, a lorry with a fouled exhaust just passed by) would interpret it differently. And I was told "No. That's wrong. There's one way and only one way." I don't say this to condemn the idiot jerk-face rat-rot individual who said this to me, provided of course his intention and motivation for telling me that I was not only wrong but silly was rooted in his deep and sincere desire that my wretched soul be saved and not that his intellectual superiority be challenged by some ignorant lay person.
Pride? Of course. So answer this question smarty pants: A policeman enters a 7-11 and sees a man with a gun pointed directly at the face of a young, female cashier. The gunman is agitated and jumpy and CLEARLY about to pull the trigger of a very, very large caliber handgun. Unseen, the policeman draws his weapon and aims it at the man and suddenly realizes that he now has a bead on the no good scoundrel who "slept" with his wife. If he hesitates, pauses to ponder the philosophical quandry he now finds himself in, the innocent clerk dies: If he pulls the trigger, is he acting on the law and thereby serving justice, or "settling a personal score" in an act of raw vengeance? What difference does it make to the clerk, to the gunman?
If you really, really, really see no quandry, I'd like to talk to you. And wounding him non-fatally isn't an option.
I shall conclude this incoherant, meaningless ramble with a mathematical definition of God: God is the only entity that is not sujbect to the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle.
Monday, May 4, 2009
Down But Not Out
Music At The Village
I like:
I like:
- Cream: Crossroads (live at the Fillmore version from the "Wheels of Fire" double album), easily Eric Clapton's greatest guitar solo
- Jimi Hendrix: Voodoo Chile
- Bach: Toccata and Fugue in D minor (the one "Rollerball" ruined)
- In Living Color: Cult of Personality
- The Who: Behind Blue Eyes
- Beethoven: Moonlight Sonata
- Debussy: Clarie de Lune
So, if the Village could work these tunes into the worship service it would be nice. It would also demonstrate fairness and equity, and it would take a step (albeit small) toward tearing down the walls of ageism currently under construction at the Village.
Continuity and Confusion
I'm still reeling from the dizzying display of disparate diatribe delivered during yesterday's service. First we get a dose of the Mendonzas and their spectacular devotion, courage and conviction as it plays out in missional living. Holy cow! Yet another thing I can never live up to in a billion skillion dillion years. Why is it that the Village is all about beating me down to build me up? Wait a minute . . . I'm struggling to recall the "build me up" phase. But after the bold challenge tacitly offered through the video to see if any of us low-life scum-buckets can top what the Mendonzas are doing for God, we get another challenge: "They couldn't do it in the late 1800's and they failed again in the 1960's. So, church, let's give it a go here in 2009 and see if we can get to heaven through deeds!" Whaaa?
And as if that's not confusing enough, this edict is laid out: "Don't go next door and try and save your neighbor." Hmmm. Just when I think I am about to figure this "evangelism" thing out, we take off in a totally unexpected direction. And I completely missed the point of the thing about the oil above the door and that whole business. Besides, I thought that was a Jewish Passover sort of thing. Were we talking about Passover? Who knows?! The way Matt's all over the map on the weekends, perhaps we were doing some sort of experiment in Jewish orthodoxy and I missed his trademark under-the-breath annoucement about the transition . . . Whatever.
Elder Vote
I have a confession to make about the vote for the elders: I don't know a couple of them and I voted for them anyway. I mean, I know Massengale, and Patterson and Whitehead . . . go to Baby Dolls or Million Dollar and those guys will always buy a round. They're good people. But some of the others? OK, so I see Brad Miller in the foyer from time to time picking pockets and Steve Hardin stops by the nursery occasionally in a politically motivated, metaphorical "baby kissing" endeavor (By the way, I have worked in the nursery without pay seeking only to serve the Lord for the last few years during the 5:00pm Saturday evening service about a 25 minute drive from my home in Carrollton, a sacrifice I am only to glad to make though it pales by comparison to the cinematic parade of celebrities shown during the "Cannes Film Festival of Saints at The Village" ). But the others? For all I know they are Hitler Reincarnate or Madeline Murray O'Hare (I suppose that would be "Reincarnate" as well. Wait . . . were any of them women?) or some Hellenist plant. But you are pushing me off the point. How am I supposed to get to know these people? I mean, they are like Supreme Court Justices; they will be "appointed" (Oh, right! We "voted" for them. Does anyone remember selecting them to run? Were YOU asked?) and they will be there forever. And what's our recourse? What? "Write their name down if you DON'T want them elected?" How un-American is that? Isn't that anti-thetical to the American Political System and the whole notion of a "Write-In Vote?".
Just where the Heck is this church headed?
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Spring 2009: It's Over For Now
I've always felt like I wanted to say something, and I've pretty much always wanted an audience. I still feel like I have something to say, but that feeling has become totally decoupled from wanting to be heard. Perhaps that's because I no longer feel so arrogant, that what I have to say is worthy of being heard. Or perhaps it's humility, a realization that what I think is important or funny isn't really very important or funny, or even if it is . . . so what?
I don't have the determination or drive to "write" full time or for a living, and inspiration is elusive and unpredictable at best, non-existent at worst. Up to now my life revolved around gaining favor, impressing people, seeking approval and generally elevating myself wherever possible by whatever means possible.
I have attended the Village Church for almost 5 years and my life and my heart have changed. Ok, so maybe I think I've changed, but I have proven more than once that I am a poor judge. of the heart. In any event, I have met at least 20 people for whom I have great respect and who will always have a place in my heart and prayers. Yet I never hear from any of them. Well, that's not completely accurate. Lee, I love you, buddy. The others . . . a smile in the foyer, a nod coming in the door, a handshake and sometimes a hug and a few kind if not well worn, rehearsed words. But I am a stranger at the Village, or at least I feel that way. I used to call most of these people at least once or twice a month. But then I began to feel foolish. How long do you call someone after you realize that they've never called you? I understand this sounds maudlin and smacks of someone feeling sorry for themselves. That's truly not the way I mean it. It's just amazing to me given what's preached at the Village measured against what's practiced here on earth.
AA and NA have taught me that whenever I find something to complain about or something wrong with relationships with others, I need to look inside because the "problem" almost always lies with me. AA and NA mean a lot to me, and I've recently heard that both groups have fallen into disfavor at Recovery at the Village . It's sad to think that organizations whose sole purpose is to help others recover from chemical addiction are not embraced unconditionally by the church regardless of their method. I guess it must have something to do with the "Higher Power" concept and the lack of mention of "sin" in the 12 Step program. Imagine not getting to heaven because of the semantic minefield which is the English Language misused and misunderstood.
This note is not to you. It is to me, in an odd metaphysical sense. And it is written in blog form because it closes a chapter which began with a sarcastic question from someone at the church. A question which I answered with a great deal of sarcasm and cynicism over the past few weeks.
Truth known, I suspect that many of my spiritual beliefs would be regarded as heretical if not outright antithetical to certain teachings at the Village. I'm told that it's safe to be broken there, and that's true. I certainly feel safe. As my NA sponsor once told me "don't put your faith in people, they'll only let you down." He's right of course, which is why we need to put our faith in Christ. Not in the Village Church or Recovery at the Village or Small Group or Parking Service.
Dang it, I'm late for an AA meeting, and I can't pay my bills and the Stars likely won't make the playoffs.
I've always felt like I wanted to say something, and I've pretty much always wanted an audience. I still feel like I have something to say, but that feeling has become totally decoupled from wanting to be heard. Perhaps that's because I no longer feel so arrogant, that what I have to say is worthy of being heard. Or perhaps it's humility, a realization that what I think is important or funny isn't really very important or funny, or even if it is . . . so what?
I don't have the determination or drive to "write" full time or for a living, and inspiration is elusive and unpredictable at best, non-existent at worst. Up to now my life revolved around gaining favor, impressing people, seeking approval and generally elevating myself wherever possible by whatever means possible.
I have attended the Village Church for almost 5 years and my life and my heart have changed. Ok, so maybe I think I've changed, but I have proven more than once that I am a poor judge. of the heart. In any event, I have met at least 20 people for whom I have great respect and who will always have a place in my heart and prayers. Yet I never hear from any of them. Well, that's not completely accurate. Lee, I love you, buddy. The others . . . a smile in the foyer, a nod coming in the door, a handshake and sometimes a hug and a few kind if not well worn, rehearsed words. But I am a stranger at the Village, or at least I feel that way. I used to call most of these people at least once or twice a month. But then I began to feel foolish. How long do you call someone after you realize that they've never called you? I understand this sounds maudlin and smacks of someone feeling sorry for themselves. That's truly not the way I mean it. It's just amazing to me given what's preached at the Village measured against what's practiced here on earth.
AA and NA have taught me that whenever I find something to complain about or something wrong with relationships with others, I need to look inside because the "problem" almost always lies with me. AA and NA mean a lot to me, and I've recently heard that both groups have fallen into disfavor at Recovery at the Village . It's sad to think that organizations whose sole purpose is to help others recover from chemical addiction are not embraced unconditionally by the church regardless of their method. I guess it must have something to do with the "Higher Power" concept and the lack of mention of "sin" in the 12 Step program. Imagine not getting to heaven because of the semantic minefield which is the English Language misused and misunderstood.
This note is not to you. It is to me, in an odd metaphysical sense. And it is written in blog form because it closes a chapter which began with a sarcastic question from someone at the church. A question which I answered with a great deal of sarcasm and cynicism over the past few weeks.
Truth known, I suspect that many of my spiritual beliefs would be regarded as heretical if not outright antithetical to certain teachings at the Village. I'm told that it's safe to be broken there, and that's true. I certainly feel safe. As my NA sponsor once told me "don't put your faith in people, they'll only let you down." He's right of course, which is why we need to put our faith in Christ. Not in the Village Church or Recovery at the Village or Small Group or Parking Service.
Dang it, I'm late for an AA meeting, and I can't pay my bills and the Stars likely won't make the playoffs.
Monday, March 9, 2009
Matt's Message 7/8 March: Time to Give Up, The Decline and Fall of the Village Church
I suppose it had to happen, I just didn't think it would happen this way. Two weeks ago we were informed that our salvation is somehow related to our sartorial sense or lack thereof, that we needed the "proper pants" to get to heaven and the "improper shirt" would likely get us a punch in the eye. The following week it was revealed that the church funded a trip seemingly only to record the taking of a baboon's life and give the pastor a chance to use a satellite phone, which followed a sort of "David Janssen as The Fugitive" itinerary through East Africa. And finally, this week comes the confession that the "experiement" isn't working: "We are only 'right' about two weeks out of the year" Matt confessed, indicating that our understanding of salvation swings like a pendulum from Total Legalist Moron to Completely Morally Unencumbered Buffoon, passing ever so briefly through "Gets It", and for all the good it does us for the other 50 weeks of the year we should be sleeping in on Sunday morning.
Ok, so whose fault is it that our salvation is taken so casually that we should as a congregation all end up hurtling headlong to hell in a handcart? Could it possibly be that sending Josh to Africa to observe the passing of a baboon and live out his "Jack Bauer Fantasy" might not lead inexorably to the salvation of the flock? Is it possible that the kind of pants I wear may have little or no bearing on a relationship with my Savior? Might it be possible that simply watching the pendulum swing isn't the best possible use of Matt's time? Is there not a certain irony revealed when contemplating a) Matt's "mailing it in" quality sermons over the last several months along with b) the image of a Warner Brothers Cartoon methaphor for hypnosis -- a swinging pendulum? Is it just possible that Buffalo may get one good year out of Terrell Owens? Is it entirely likely that I have tried to get too much milage out of a few "out of context" remarks and that I should go back to actually listening to the sermons and thus save my soul?
These and many other questions deserve answers. Ok, well maybe they don't. But let's get those new elders in there as fast as we can and try and corral this Wild West Show / Barnum and Baily Circus called the Village Church Staff and herd them back into their cages. Afterall, I don't remember any of the elder candidates talking about pendulums or pants or baboons. Maybe some measure of sanity still exists in Highland Village. Though I seriously doubt it. To wit: I am a covenant member.
I suppose it had to happen, I just didn't think it would happen this way. Two weeks ago we were informed that our salvation is somehow related to our sartorial sense or lack thereof, that we needed the "proper pants" to get to heaven and the "improper shirt" would likely get us a punch in the eye. The following week it was revealed that the church funded a trip seemingly only to record the taking of a baboon's life and give the pastor a chance to use a satellite phone, which followed a sort of "David Janssen as The Fugitive" itinerary through East Africa. And finally, this week comes the confession that the "experiement" isn't working: "We are only 'right' about two weeks out of the year" Matt confessed, indicating that our understanding of salvation swings like a pendulum from Total Legalist Moron to Completely Morally Unencumbered Buffoon, passing ever so briefly through "Gets It", and for all the good it does us for the other 50 weeks of the year we should be sleeping in on Sunday morning.
Ok, so whose fault is it that our salvation is taken so casually that we should as a congregation all end up hurtling headlong to hell in a handcart? Could it possibly be that sending Josh to Africa to observe the passing of a baboon and live out his "Jack Bauer Fantasy" might not lead inexorably to the salvation of the flock? Is it possible that the kind of pants I wear may have little or no bearing on a relationship with my Savior? Might it be possible that simply watching the pendulum swing isn't the best possible use of Matt's time? Is there not a certain irony revealed when contemplating a) Matt's "mailing it in" quality sermons over the last several months along with b) the image of a Warner Brothers Cartoon methaphor for hypnosis -- a swinging pendulum? Is it just possible that Buffalo may get one good year out of Terrell Owens? Is it entirely likely that I have tried to get too much milage out of a few "out of context" remarks and that I should go back to actually listening to the sermons and thus save my soul?
These and many other questions deserve answers. Ok, well maybe they don't. But let's get those new elders in there as fast as we can and try and corral this Wild West Show / Barnum and Baily Circus called the Village Church Staff and herd them back into their cages. Afterall, I don't remember any of the elder candidates talking about pendulums or pants or baboons. Maybe some measure of sanity still exists in Highland Village. Though I seriously doubt it. To wit: I am a covenant member.
Sunday, March 1, 2009
Matt's Message 28 Feb / 1 Mar: Holy Cow!
Fyodor Dostoyevsky's novel "The Brothers Karamazov" drones on and on for roughly 412,000 pages to ask a simple though weighty question: "Is there a God?" Why it takes Fyodor 412,000 pages to get to a point is way beyond me, and why he didn't just come right out and ask the question and save two years of his life and 411,999 pages or the equivalent of 40 hillion dillion trees escapes me as well. I guess there wasn't much to do in Russia at the time.
Fyodor could have taken lessons from Matt who Sunday, thankfully, presented himself in the form of Josh Patterson. Now if Josh Patterson would have written "The Brothers Karamozov" it would have gone something like this (special thanks to Dave Barry):
Chapter 1:
"Let's kill our father" said Fyodor to Dimitri, Ivan and Alexei.
"Ok" they replied more or less collectively.
Chapter 2:
Is there a God?
Chapter 3:
Sure beats the heck out of me.
Chapter 4:
Fyodor spears a baboon.
The end.
This would have saved thousands and thousands of college students from spending countless hours in college libraries around the world trying to find a short synopsis of Fyodor's 2-year effort. I kept finding stuff like this: "Father killed, brothers share varying amounts of culpability, asks question "Is there a God?", effectively responds "don't really know. Whatever."
So Josh went to Africa following an itinerary that sounds as if he was on the run from Interpol, and frets about where he's going to spend the night each night. Then he comes home and:
* Turns the lights off and on a bunch of times
* Takes a 45 minute shower
* Eats some Mexican food
And then he asks the question: "Is Christ sufficient?" And I'm not really sure but I think he said something like "sure beats the heck out of me" but his answer was a little complicated and the two people in front of me kept texting and because my vision is not very good I had to concentrate pretty hard on trying to see what they were so intently texting about. I suspect that they were members of some competing or opposing church and they were texting Matt/Josh's sermon verbatim back to some high tech control room where it was being carefully dissected and then rebroadcast to some other universe where they have not discovered "pod cast".
In any event, I think a little closer scrutiny by the elders of the old Village Church Travel and Boondoggle Expense Fund might be in order because I think if my current or previous employers sent me to Africa and I reported that I'd spent 17 days constantly on the move, spearing baboons and yakking on a satellite phone to my wife while watching naked Africans I would have been fired. I certainly could have come back with something a little more profound or entertaining to report than:
* Watched naked Africans in a river
* Observed baboon being speared
* Talked on satellite phone to my wife
* Asked question "Is Christ sufficient?"
However, we will never know. I am guessing that Matt Josh's failure to determine whether or not Christ is sufficient portends another 17-day trip to Africa, at least. I suppose that's Ok, at least until the answer to that question leads him to Western Europe or the Summer Olympics or the Caribbean or Bora Bora. I vote we save the money and all agree that Christ is sufficient. Or as we say in recovery "Fake it 'til you make it."
Fyodor Dostoyevsky's novel "The Brothers Karamazov" drones on and on for roughly 412,000 pages to ask a simple though weighty question: "Is there a God?" Why it takes Fyodor 412,000 pages to get to a point is way beyond me, and why he didn't just come right out and ask the question and save two years of his life and 411,999 pages or the equivalent of 40 hillion dillion trees escapes me as well. I guess there wasn't much to do in Russia at the time.
Fyodor could have taken lessons from Matt who Sunday, thankfully, presented himself in the form of Josh Patterson. Now if Josh Patterson would have written "The Brothers Karamozov" it would have gone something like this (special thanks to Dave Barry):
Chapter 1:
"Let's kill our father" said Fyodor to Dimitri, Ivan and Alexei.
"Ok" they replied more or less collectively.
Chapter 2:
Is there a God?
Chapter 3:
Sure beats the heck out of me.
Chapter 4:
Fyodor spears a baboon.
The end.
This would have saved thousands and thousands of college students from spending countless hours in college libraries around the world trying to find a short synopsis of Fyodor's 2-year effort. I kept finding stuff like this: "Father killed, brothers share varying amounts of culpability, asks question "Is there a God?", effectively responds "don't really know. Whatever."
So Josh went to Africa following an itinerary that sounds as if he was on the run from Interpol, and frets about where he's going to spend the night each night. Then he comes home and:
* Turns the lights off and on a bunch of times
* Takes a 45 minute shower
* Eats some Mexican food
And then he asks the question: "Is Christ sufficient?" And I'm not really sure but I think he said something like "sure beats the heck out of me" but his answer was a little complicated and the two people in front of me kept texting and because my vision is not very good I had to concentrate pretty hard on trying to see what they were so intently texting about. I suspect that they were members of some competing or opposing church and they were texting Matt/Josh's sermon verbatim back to some high tech control room where it was being carefully dissected and then rebroadcast to some other universe where they have not discovered "pod cast".
In any event, I think a little closer scrutiny by the elders of the old Village Church Travel and Boondoggle Expense Fund might be in order because I think if my current or previous employers sent me to Africa and I reported that I'd spent 17 days constantly on the move, spearing baboons and yakking on a satellite phone to my wife while watching naked Africans I would have been fired. I certainly could have come back with something a little more profound or entertaining to report than:
* Watched naked Africans in a river
* Observed baboon being speared
* Talked on satellite phone to my wife
* Asked question "Is Christ sufficient?"
However, we will never know. I am guessing that Matt Josh's failure to determine whether or not Christ is sufficient portends another 17-day trip to Africa, at least. I suppose that's Ok, at least until the answer to that question leads him to Western Europe or the Summer Olympics or the Caribbean or Bora Bora. I vote we save the money and all agree that Christ is sufficient. Or as we say in recovery "Fake it 'til you make it."
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Matt's Message 21/22 Feb: Hot Talk
I usually try to sit on the back row of the sanctuary in the seats between the pillars. I used to sit on the front row because I was so easily distracted that I needed to have Matt or Video Matt right there in my face so I'd be reluctant to doodle, or daydream or stab at my son with a paper knife made from the church bulletin. Truth is, I am still easily distracted even while sitting on the front row, which [sitting on the front row] has the added disadvantage of being the slowest, most aggravatingly difficult place to exit the sanctuary from, or "from which to exit the sanctuary." Not that exiting the sanctuary is the foremost thing on my mind during the sermon. It is the foremost thing on my mind as we are driving into the parking lot . . . and then I get distracted.
Sunday, during Matt's sermon about God or Jesus or Sin -- Ok, well, I think we can safely assume it had something to do with the Gospel, or the Greatspel, as those of us "in the inner circle" refer to it -- I realized (by which I mean my wife kept punching me and telling me) that the area at the back of the church is hotter than any other area of the church I've sat in with one notable exception being the "Yellow Room (12-18 months)". Maybe it's because in the center back row we are sitting right underneath the $4.5 trillion high definition projector purchased by the church because of Matt's inability to drink enough coffee to make it through 27 sermons each weekend.
Or it could be that's where Satan sits, which makes sense because his presence seems to effect that area in the form of a total and complete lack of interest in worship or films or baptisms or announcements or the sermon, evidenced by the nonstop murmuring and whispering and muttering and chattering and sussuration (not my word, "google's" idiot response to "synonym murmur"), all of which would prevent the most focused person in the universe from listening to Matt even if his life depended on it which, ironcially, it does. And for the 3 people who've read earlier posts on this blog and who posses more than 8 functioning brain cells you are now asking "aren't you deaf? How can you hear murmuring or muttering?" That's my point. I figure that a person at the back of the church could be playing a snare drum while shaking a coffee can full of nuts and bolts and yodeling and would still be drowned out by the noise on the back few rows, which includes Servant/Greeter A asking Servant/Greeter B in a voice typically reserved for speaking to someone 75 yards away during a Metallica concert: "Are there any seats left near the front? Sure is hot and crowded today here at the back of the sanctuary where we are shouting to be heard over the murmuring and muttering and the person who is yodeling and drumming and shaking a can containing bolts and nuts!". There seems to be a total disregard for 1) Song 1 of the Worship Service, 2) Announcements, 3) subsequent songs of the Worship Service and 4) The Main Event.
So let's talk about announcements for a minute since I have completely lost the thought that carried me tragically through the last couple of paragraphs. So, what's the point of the church bulletin if some yahoo interrupts the Worship Service to read what's already been handed to me at the door when I entered the sanctuary? And why can't there be more white space on the church bulletin for . . . taking notes on Matt's sermon? And why are we giving away bulletins to non-members? Shouldn't they share one with a member, thus fostering fellowship? Or would that be seen as contributing to the "hooking up" atmosphere which is essentially what The Village Church is all about for 18-25 year olds?
I have no clue. Most of the time I don't have any idea what anyone is talking about. However, I know exactly what Cheryl Crow means when she says:
Edie Brickell, who clearly has attended a lot of Philosophy classes but has never visited the Village Church has this to say:
So let's talk about announcements for a minute since I have completely lost the thought that carried me tragically through the last couple of paragraphs. So, what's the point of the church bulletin if some yahoo interrupts the Worship Service to read what's already been handed to me at the door when I entered the sanctuary? And why can't there be more white space on the church bulletin for . . . taking notes on Matt's sermon? And why are we giving away bulletins to non-members? Shouldn't they share one with a member, thus fostering fellowship? Or would that be seen as contributing to the "hooking up" atmosphere which is essentially what The Village Church is all about for 18-25 year olds?
I have no clue. Most of the time I don't have any idea what anyone is talking about. However, I know exactly what Cheryl Crow means when she says:
"I'm just wondering why I feel so all alone,Every day is a winding road.
Why I'm a stranger in my own life."
Edie Brickell, who clearly has attended a lot of Philosophy classes but has never visited the Village Church has this to say:
"Philosophy is a walk on a slippery rock.Appropriately she goes on to say:
Religion is a smile on a dog."
"I'm not aware of too many things,No, Edie. I have no freaking clue what you mean. But before you think I only listen to Pagan / Non-Christian music on my iPod, you should know that I also listen to that most famous of Christian bands, Jefferson Airplane and noted Christian Evangelist Grace Slick where she sings:
I know what I know if you know what I mean."
"When the truth is found to be lies,Isn't this clearly a revival call?
And all the joy within you dies.
Don't you want somebody to love,
Don't you need somebody to love,
Wouldn't you love somebody to love?
You'd better find somebody to love."
Monday, February 16, 2009
Matt's Message 14/15 Feb: Church Only Needs 10 Things to Function
In a well received message, the image of Matt flickered faithfully while crowds of people who own alarm clocks and can tell time looked on. The theme generally revolved around what kind of people are needed to make a church. From memory, Matt's message summarized:
1. You need some people
2. These people need to own Bibles and be somewhat familiar with them
3. These people need to lose their Bibles in the vicinity of The VC so that they (the Bibles) can end up in the "lost and found" enabling Matt to make a joke about them (the people and the Bibles) every 6-9 weeks
4. These people need to be made up of three distinct groups: (a) self-righteous, sanctimonious jerks, (b) total and complete sin-bent buffoons and (c) everybody else. This is critical otherwise Matt won't have any material for sermons and the church will die.
5. People with servant's hearts, by which we mean people whose chief reason for serving is to be seen serving thereby ensuring their entrance to heaven (though the church rarely promotes this method of salvation and would prefer to keep it a secret from those who don't tithe)
6. People with piercings, tatoos, and bizarre hair to provide credence (by which I mean "lip service")to the church's motto that it is OK not to be OK or OK to be not OK or some-such nonsense.
7. People with really, really expensive cars to be the objects of derision
8. People who are confused in a moron way about scripture ("If I kill somebody and ask for forgiveness and then kill somebody else, can I still ask for forgiveness or am I limited to just one killing?") for the same reason
9. People who do not own a watch or clock, or who cannot tell time, or who are habitually late to everything all the time so that during announcements the pastors can say "they're lined up outside" at 15 minutes past service start time
10. Regular attenders who are basically liars so that Matt can address them pretty much every other week by saying "if you were duped into coming here because you were asked to brunch . . . "
So if you have this basic make-up you are a healthy church.
Summary provided by Gilbert Montez.
In a well received message, the image of Matt flickered faithfully while crowds of people who own alarm clocks and can tell time looked on. The theme generally revolved around what kind of people are needed to make a church. From memory, Matt's message summarized:
1. You need some people
2. These people need to own Bibles and be somewhat familiar with them
3. These people need to lose their Bibles in the vicinity of The VC so that they (the Bibles) can end up in the "lost and found" enabling Matt to make a joke about them (the people and the Bibles) every 6-9 weeks
4. These people need to be made up of three distinct groups: (a) self-righteous, sanctimonious jerks, (b) total and complete sin-bent buffoons and (c) everybody else. This is critical otherwise Matt won't have any material for sermons and the church will die.
5. People with servant's hearts, by which we mean people whose chief reason for serving is to be seen serving thereby ensuring their entrance to heaven (though the church rarely promotes this method of salvation and would prefer to keep it a secret from those who don't tithe)
6. People with piercings, tatoos, and bizarre hair to provide credence (by which I mean "lip service")to the church's motto that it is OK not to be OK or OK to be not OK or some-such nonsense.
7. People with really, really expensive cars to be the objects of derision
8. People who are confused in a moron way about scripture ("If I kill somebody and ask for forgiveness and then kill somebody else, can I still ask for forgiveness or am I limited to just one killing?") for the same reason
9. People who do not own a watch or clock, or who cannot tell time, or who are habitually late to everything all the time so that during announcements the pastors can say "they're lined up outside" at 15 minutes past service start time
10. Regular attenders who are basically liars so that Matt can address them pretty much every other week by saying "if you were duped into coming here because you were asked to brunch . . . "
So if you have this basic make-up you are a healthy church.
Summary provided by Gilbert Montez.
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Matt's Message 7/8 Feb: Religion is About Your Clothes
If you are reading this blog and wondering aloud "what the heck does that mean?" then you are probably not healthy mentally for wondering aloud and you are most likely me, because I am the only one who reads this crap. I've heard lots of stuff at The Village over the last few years, some of it controversial, some of it deep and difficult to digest, some of it even mildly offensive. But one thing is consistent about the message at The Village: it is always delivered using a microphone. And Saturday/Sunday's message was no different, although Matt looked a little out of sorts, perhaps it was b
ecause he died his hair and cut it short. He wore sandals also, which was a little odd though very Jesus-like.
And then he unleashed this gem: "If you want to get to heaven then you have to love people which can only be accomplished by putting on the proper pants." At least I think that's what he said, I usually don't pay very close attention until I see people nodding, thus indicating something righteous people agree with is being said. However, I personally have no clue what he meant by that, but he went on to say that putting on the improper shirt will render him very un-Jesus-like. Even putting aside the questions about where the heck Matt buys his clothes or who buys them for him or why he actually owns a shirt that makes him un-Jesus-like, I have a problem with this image. "Pants" is an odd word, like "trousers" or breeches, or britches, or chinos, or cords, or pantaloons, or rompers. These terms all connote different images and when I think of "pants" I can't help but think of the childrens board game "Ants in the Pants" which consists of a pair of blue plastic pants and pink plastic suspenders and multicolored plastic "ants" that you flip into the pants tiddley-winks style to "win the game", and I cannot for the life of me make the connection between this image and the New Testament. So envisioning Matt wearing "pants" in order to convey the gospel thereby propelling him heavenward is disturbing of not downright unstable. And shortly after that comment, people quit nodding and I lost interest in the rest of the sermon where he may have provided an explanation or a scriptural basis for holding such a goofy opinion. Although I can't immediately call to mind a Biblical reference to Jesus' wardrobe as containing pants, Noah may have brought a pair of pants onto the Ark, and I have a vague recollection of Matt more than once talking about a deer and pants. But the image of a deer wearing pants to convey the gospel causes even my whimsically eccentric imagination to throw on the ABS.
I usually go along with The Village, like signing the covenant agreement which oddly was sent separately to my wife and I (note to the church: we are married and live in the same house), and paying the monthly club membership dues which churchly people call a "tithe", but the direction Matt seemed to be taking in this weekend's sermon borders on the bizarre and I will need to think long and hard about this particular message and what sort of department store carries appropriate pantware. Not to mention I don't currently own an actual pair of blue plastic pants or suspenders of any color or material.
If you are reading this blog and wondering aloud "what the heck does that mean?" then you are probably not healthy mentally for wondering aloud and you are most likely me, because I am the only one who reads this crap. I've heard lots of stuff at The Village over the last few years, some of it controversial, some of it deep and difficult to digest, some of it even mildly offensive. But one thing is consistent about the message at The Village: it is always delivered using a microphone. And Saturday/Sunday's message was no different, although Matt looked a little out of sorts, perhaps it was b
ecause he died his hair and cut it short. He wore sandals also, which was a little odd though very Jesus-like.And then he unleashed this gem: "If you want to get to heaven then you have to love people which can only be accomplished by putting on the proper pants." At least I think that's what he said, I usually don't pay very close attention until I see people nodding, thus indicating something righteous people agree with is being said. However, I personally have no clue what he meant by that, but he went on to say that putting on the improper shirt will render him very un-Jesus-like. Even putting aside the questions about where the heck Matt buys his clothes or who buys them for him or why he actually owns a shirt that makes him un-Jesus-like, I have a problem with this image. "Pants" is an odd word, like "trousers" or breeches, or britches, or chinos, or cords, or pantaloons, or rompers. These terms all connote different images and when I think of "pants" I can't help but think of the childrens board game "Ants in the Pants" which consists of a pair of blue plastic pants and pink plastic suspenders and multicolored plastic "ants" that you flip into the pants tiddley-winks style to "win the game", and I cannot for the life of me make the connection between this image and the New Testament. So envisioning Matt wearing "pants" in order to convey the gospel thereby propelling him heavenward is disturbing of not downright unstable. And shortly after that comment, people quit nodding and I lost interest in the rest of the sermon where he may have provided an explanation or a scriptural basis for holding such a goofy opinion. Although I can't immediately call to mind a Biblical reference to Jesus' wardrobe as containing pants, Noah may have brought a pair of pants onto the Ark, and I have a vague recollection of Matt more than once talking about a deer and pants. But the image of a deer wearing pants to convey the gospel causes even my whimsically eccentric imagination to throw on the ABS.
I usually go along with The Village, like signing the covenant agreement which oddly was sent separately to my wife and I (note to the church: we are married and live in the same house), and paying the monthly club membership dues which churchly people call a "tithe", but the direction Matt seemed to be taking in this weekend's sermon borders on the bizarre and I will need to think long and hard about this particular message and what sort of department store carries appropriate pantware. Not to mention I don't currently own an actual pair of blue plastic pants or suspenders of any color or material.
Friday, February 6, 2009
Life is Weighty and Has Consequences
The other night when it was freezing and sleeting and really cold I put on my heavy winter coat and walked to the end of the block and around the small lake in the park near my house. Twice. And being outside and feeling the frigid bite of the air on my face I felt very close to God, like He was walking along beside me. So I told someone how close to God I felt just being outside in the freezing rain and he asked me why. So I punched him in the stomach with Steely Knuckle Dragon Fist.
The other night when it was freezing and sleeting and really cold I put on my heavy winter coat and walked to the end of the block and around the small lake in the park near my house. Twice. And being outside and feeling the frigid bite of the air on my face I felt very close to God, like He was walking along beside me. So I told someone how close to God I felt just being outside in the freezing rain and he asked me why. So I punched him in the stomach with Steely Knuckle Dragon Fist.
Friday, January 30, 2009
Seats Available for Sunday 11:00am Service
Seats for any Sunday 11:00am service can still be purchased but don't buy them from the "greeters" as this is a violation of the church "don't buy seats from the greeters" bylaw contained in the new covenant that you have not received yet and may never receive. Or perhaps your wife or your husband received it and he or she simply hasn't shared it with you yet because it wasn't actually addressed to you. Or maybe you are not a member of the church and you are free to act in a sinful and carefree manner without consequence.
Seats for the service start at $250 for the areas closest to the exits and as low as $1.44 for seats in the front row, regardless of whether the service is live or video. All seats must be prepaid and because of secular progressive communist-style overbearing tax law the payment must be made in cash and cannot be made to a church staff member without severe penalty. The tax law is actually such that you must not even mention that you paid for a seat to anyone or the church will be taxed out of existence and you will forever be directly linked to if not outright responsible for the closure of one of God's favorite Weigh Stations.
Simply put your cash in an unmarked envelope with a note indicating your seating preference and slide the envelope into the rear window of the black 2001 Chevy Impala parked at the Grumpamoose Bar and Grill on the corner of 407 and Sellmeyer. DO NOT PUT YOUR NAME OR ANY INFORMATION THAT MIGHT REVEAL YOUR IDENTITY on or near the envelope. You can safely assume that your seating preference will be considered and if possible accommodated and we will do our level best to hold the seat(s) for you until 10:20 am on the morning of the service at which time it (they) will be released to the general public if you have not bothered to show up to claim it (them).
Sanctuary Seats go On Sale Soon!
In a similar story, all seats at the Village Church will soon go on sale "Texas Stadium" style so you can have a priceless, family heirloom quality chair taken from the actual sanctuary where "it all began." To claim your chair, simply use a large-tip black Magic Marker (tm) to write your name and address in large block letters plainly on the seat. If the seat you want has already been claimed, simply mark out that person's name and write your own name and address on it ONLY IF YOU REALLY WANT THAT PARTICULAR SEAT. Once you have slipped an envelope containing $800 IN CASH for each desired seat into the rear window of a 2001 Black Impala which will be parked at the Grumpamoose Bar and Grill at the corner of 407 and Sellmeyer our processors will begin processing your order and you can expect to receive your chair(s) in the future.
The Village Church Faces Possible Name Change
In a surprise development this week, total cash financing for the Flower Mound Expansion may have been secured. In a closed meeting held at the Grumpamoose Bar and Grill on the corner of 407 and Sellmeyer, negotiations with 4 different financiers was discussed, the outcome of which has yet to be determined due to legalities and financial dealings that are far too complicated for you to understand. Further negotiations will be held later this month at the Grumpamoose Bar and Grill at the corner of 407 and Sellmeyer.
The Possible New Names:
The church elders were asked to comment on this development but when we stood in our front yard and shouted their names and asked them to comment at 4:30am yesterday morning, we received no comments. Further announcements will be made in the future provided we have announcements and that there is a future.
Seats for any Sunday 11:00am service can still be purchased but don't buy them from the "greeters" as this is a violation of the church "don't buy seats from the greeters" bylaw contained in the new covenant that you have not received yet and may never receive. Or perhaps your wife or your husband received it and he or she simply hasn't shared it with you yet because it wasn't actually addressed to you. Or maybe you are not a member of the church and you are free to act in a sinful and carefree manner without consequence.
Seats for the service start at $250 for the areas closest to the exits and as low as $1.44 for seats in the front row, regardless of whether the service is live or video. All seats must be prepaid and because of secular progressive communist-style overbearing tax law the payment must be made in cash and cannot be made to a church staff member without severe penalty. The tax law is actually such that you must not even mention that you paid for a seat to anyone or the church will be taxed out of existence and you will forever be directly linked to if not outright responsible for the closure of one of God's favorite Weigh Stations.
Simply put your cash in an unmarked envelope with a note indicating your seating preference and slide the envelope into the rear window of the black 2001 Chevy Impala parked at the Grumpamoose Bar and Grill on the corner of 407 and Sellmeyer. DO NOT PUT YOUR NAME OR ANY INFORMATION THAT MIGHT REVEAL YOUR IDENTITY on or near the envelope. You can safely assume that your seating preference will be considered and if possible accommodated and we will do our level best to hold the seat(s) for you until 10:20 am on the morning of the service at which time it (they) will be released to the general public if you have not bothered to show up to claim it (them).
Sanctuary Seats go On Sale Soon!
In a similar story, all seats at the Village Church will soon go on sale "Texas Stadium" style so you can have a priceless, family heirloom quality chair taken from the actual sanctuary where "it all began." To claim your chair, simply use a large-tip black Magic Marker (tm) to write your name and address in large block letters plainly on the seat. If the seat you want has already been claimed, simply mark out that person's name and write your own name and address on it ONLY IF YOU REALLY WANT THAT PARTICULAR SEAT. Once you have slipped an envelope containing $800 IN CASH for each desired seat into the rear window of a 2001 Black Impala which will be parked at the Grumpamoose Bar and Grill at the corner of 407 and Sellmeyer our processors will begin processing your order and you can expect to receive your chair(s) in the future.
The Village Church Faces Possible Name Change
In a surprise development this week, total cash financing for the Flower Mound Expansion may have been secured. In a closed meeting held at the Grumpamoose Bar and Grill on the corner of 407 and Sellmeyer, negotiations with 4 different financiers was discussed, the outcome of which has yet to be determined due to legalities and financial dealings that are far too complicated for you to understand. Further negotiations will be held later this month at the Grumpamoose Bar and Grill at the corner of 407 and Sellmeyer.
The Possible New Names:
- The Village Ballpark in Arlington Church
- The Village Hair Club for Men Church
- The Village Grumpamoose Bar and Grill Church
- The Village Cabaret Royale Mens Entertainment Center Church
The church elders were asked to comment on this development but when we stood in our front yard and shouted their names and asked them to comment at 4:30am yesterday morning, we received no comments. Further announcements will be made in the future provided we have announcements and that there is a future.
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Flower Mound Expansion Update
The troublesome parking situation at the Village has prompted elders and staff to try and do "something" to hasten the construction efforts at the Albertsons location. Thus far "something" is manifest as increased pacing, frowning, hand wringing and of course very intense prayer in case someone is observing. Local residents near the Highland village campus have expressed their concern about the continuing problem of late arrivers pa
rking wherever they want to park, ignoring warnings from Matt and the HV Police. In a recent confrontation with a local resident, "concern" was expressed with verve and a hammer.
Little Village Volunteers Offer Suggestions: Volunteers from the Little Village gathered at a local Highland Village establishment to discuss making the "child care" experience more enjoyable for all, particularly the transition to the new facility planned for August 2043, at which time the total population of The Village Church is estimted to be 40 million hillion dillion skillion. Those volunteers unable to attend because of injury, parole violations, house arrest or the recent warrant sweep by the Dallas County Sheriff's Department and the local FBI office will be notified through legal counsel. Before being thrown out, the conscious members of the group developed the following list of ideas which would have been presented formally to the elders except nobody thought to bring a pen or paper to write things down with.
From memory:
Dogs Now Welcome at the Sunday 5 and 7pm Service: After a great deal of deliberation and a fist fight, my wife and I determined that dogs will be welcome in the sanctuary during the 5 and 7pm Sunday services. In keeping with the tradition of Sunday evening at The Village the dog or dogs will be required to have either a tatoo or a body piercing or proof of unemployment. Please make sure your dog or dogs has or have relieved itself or themselves before entering the sanctuary and feel free to use the yard of a local resident. Don't worry about cleaning it up.
The troublesome parking situation at the Village has prompted elders and staff to try and do "something" to hasten the construction efforts at the Albertsons location. Thus far "something" is manifest as increased pacing, frowning, hand wringing and of course very intense prayer in case someone is observing. Local residents near the Highland village campus have expressed their concern about the continuing problem of late arrivers pa
rking wherever they want to park, ignoring warnings from Matt and the HV Police. In a recent confrontation with a local resident, "concern" was expressed with verve and a hammer.Little Village Volunteers Offer Suggestions: Volunteers from the Little Village gathered at a local Highland Village establishment to discuss making the "child care" experience more enjoyable for all, particularly the transition to the new facility planned for August 2043, at which time the total population of The Village Church is estimted to be 40 million hillion dillion skillion. Those volunteers unable to attend because of injury, parole violations, house arrest or the recent warrant sweep by the Dallas County Sheriff's Department and the local FBI office will be notified through legal counsel. Before being thrown out, the conscious members of the group developed the following list of ideas which would have been presented formally to the elders except nobody thought to bring a pen or paper to write things down with.
From memory:
- All rooms should be equipped either with televisions or safer changing tables, I don't remember.
- Something else I don't really remember, but it was disturbing.
- Each room should have a wall mounted dial with settings ranging from "mild" to "just shy of lethal" connecting a series of large, high voltage batteries to wires which would run along the floor to the sanctuary where they would fasten to Matt's ankle so that a negatively affected volunteer could send a flow of DC current, the strength of which would be determined by the amount of anxiety felt by the volunteer or the volume of crying in the room, to thereby "indicate" to Matt that he should talk faster (as if that's possible) or simply cease talking, say a quick prayer and dismiss everyone.
Dogs Now Welcome at the Sunday 5 and 7pm Service: After a great deal of deliberation and a fist fight, my wife and I determined that dogs will be welcome in the sanctuary during the 5 and 7pm Sunday services. In keeping with the tradition of Sunday evening at The Village the dog or dogs will be required to have either a tatoo or a body piercing or proof of unemployment. Please make sure your dog or dogs has or have relieved itself or themselves before entering the sanctuary and feel free to use the yard of a local resident. Don't worry about cleaning it up.
Movie Reviews
"Paul Blart: Mall Cop" - Kevin James, Lassie
Crap
"Underworld: Rise of the Lycans" - Not Kate Beckinsale
Crap
"Gran Torino" - Clint Eastwood and lots of foriegn people
"Paul Blart: Mall Cop" - Kevin James, Lassie
Crap
"Underworld: Rise of the Lycans" - Not Kate Beckinsale
Crap
"Gran Torino" - Clint Eastwood and lots of foriegn people
Crap
"Hotel for Dogs" - Emma Roberts, Don Cheadle, some dogs
Crap
"Slumdog Millionaire" - Nobody you've ever heard of
Crap
"My Bloody Valentine 3-D" - Who cares? Really.
Crap
"Inkheart" - Brendon Frasier acting pretty much like he acts in every role he's ever played
Crap
"Bride Wars" - Kate Hudson, Anne Hathaway
Crap
"The Curious Case of Benjamin Button" - Doesn't matter
Crap
"Notorious" - A whole bunch of people you've never heard of and never will until the "Oscars" at which time most of these people will get major awards
Crap
Monday, January 26, 2009
What Did He Say?
I don't wear a hearing aid because I am cheap and vain and I have reached an age where most of what I hear I realize later that I didn't want to hear it anyway. And I think failing hearing is a blessing from God and I don't have any intention of mocking God by wearing a hearing aid.
Having said that, I think the Village Church needs to publish a transcript of all sermons in case Matt says something funny that I can't hear because he said it under his breath or mumbled it on purpose so that anyone over the age of 53 wouldn't hear it. The other option of course would be to lower the volume of the worship service. I know that this would deprive the Children of Liberia and most of the rest of West Africa and the closer planets from hearing the guitar and bass, but it would allow me to hear the sermon without the incessant ringing . . . or does Matt ring when he speaks? That certainly seems possible because I am not yet sure he is actually from this planet. That ringing I hear may simply be his way of communicating with his home universe.
On the subject of worship, I think that electric instruments are probably OK, but what if they are in fact satanic? I think we should experiment with this notion and for the next few weeks the worship bands should use only a Kazoo and an Accordion. I may be wrong about the satanic nature of the guitar and bass, but I am fairly certain that worship music with a Kazoo and an Accordion would have the positive effect of clearing the parking lot. And who knows, maybe we would all be in a much better frame of mind to hear the message after 30 minutes of Kazoo/Accordion music.
I don't wear a hearing aid because I am cheap and vain and I have reached an age where most of what I hear I realize later that I didn't want to hear it anyway. And I think failing hearing is a blessing from God and I don't have any intention of mocking God by wearing a hearing aid.
Having said that, I think the Village Church needs to publish a transcript of all sermons in case Matt says something funny that I can't hear because he said it under his breath or mumbled it on purpose so that anyone over the age of 53 wouldn't hear it. The other option of course would be to lower the volume of the worship service. I know that this would deprive the Children of Liberia and most of the rest of West Africa and the closer planets from hearing the guitar and bass, but it would allow me to hear the sermon without the incessant ringing . . . or does Matt ring when he speaks? That certainly seems possible because I am not yet sure he is actually from this planet. That ringing I hear may simply be his way of communicating with his home universe.
On the subject of worship, I think that electric instruments are probably OK, but what if they are in fact satanic? I think we should experiment with this notion and for the next few weeks the worship bands should use only a Kazoo and an Accordion. I may be wrong about the satanic nature of the guitar and bass, but I am fairly certain that worship music with a Kazoo and an Accordion would have the positive effect of clearing the parking lot. And who knows, maybe we would all be in a much better frame of mind to hear the message after 30 minutes of Kazoo/Accordion music.
Matt's Message from January 24 and 25, 2009
So does anybody listen to Matt? I'm guessing no, they don't, because after Sunday's service I was trying to get out of the sanctuary along with almost everybody else jamming the aisles and the doorways like there was a fire on the stage and the two cretins at the end of my row were just sitting there blocking my exit as if Matt was going to reappear and do an encore . . . and, by the way, how would he do that? In the Osama Bin Laden style of "mail-it-in" video tape sermons, what would he do? Drop the projection screen and run a fast instant replay of some salient point? Trot out one of the second-string stand-by pastors to recap what people ostensibly just heard? That works well. Har!
So there they sit, zombie-like, after having been told for about 45 minutes that I am better than them and that they need to give way to me, especially when I am in a hurry, but instead they are preventing me from getting the heck out of the church so I can quickly go apply the spiritual lesson that I have just learned before I forget it.
Which leads me to my point which I had better get to before it drifts away or my medicine wears off: I think the off-duty pastors need to be walking up and down the aisles of the sanctuary during the sermon with hickory switches swatting at people when something important is being said so they'll remember it. This worked with me and my grandmother. She'd whack me on the bee-hind for some minor act of vandalism I'd just committed or some other moral indescretion and then she'd say "Every time you sit down for the next couple of hours you'll remember what I just told you." And she was right.
I think this method -- swatting with a switch -- is far superior for getting the point accross to having a smattering of self-righteous yahoos scattered throughout the service nodding in agreement with Matt as he makes his point, just in case we weren't paying attention or can't think for ourselves. In fact, when a hickory switch toting pastor spots someone nodding in self-righteous agreement I think they should jerk that person out of her seat and drag her up on stage and do a "laying of hands" grandma style, if you get my drift.
And during the worship service, the off-duty pastors should be out in the parking lot and in the local neighborhood getting license plate numbers of people who have parked in an immoral fashion, submitting those to the Highland Village Police to run the tag to find the name of the owner, and then before the sermon starts the offenders should be called up on stage as if they were about to get an award and they too could be receivers of a "laying of hands".
I think it's about time we put words to action at this church. No more namby-pamby, wishy-washy "suggesting" that people follow Christ. I think it's time to get serious and start taking names and kicking . . . bee-hind.
So does anybody listen to Matt? I'm guessing no, they don't, because after Sunday's service I was trying to get out of the sanctuary along with almost everybody else jamming the aisles and the doorways like there was a fire on the stage and the two cretins at the end of my row were just sitting there blocking my exit as if Matt was going to reappear and do an encore . . . and, by the way, how would he do that? In the Osama Bin Laden style of "mail-it-in" video tape sermons, what would he do? Drop the projection screen and run a fast instant replay of some salient point? Trot out one of the second-string stand-by pastors to recap what people ostensibly just heard? That works well. Har!
So there they sit, zombie-like, after having been told for about 45 minutes that I am better than them and that they need to give way to me, especially when I am in a hurry, but instead they are preventing me from getting the heck out of the church so I can quickly go apply the spiritual lesson that I have just learned before I forget it.
Which leads me to my point which I had better get to before it drifts away or my medicine wears off: I think the off-duty pastors need to be walking up and down the aisles of the sanctuary during the sermon with hickory switches swatting at people when something important is being said so they'll remember it. This worked with me and my grandmother. She'd whack me on the bee-hind for some minor act of vandalism I'd just committed or some other moral indescretion and then she'd say "Every time you sit down for the next couple of hours you'll remember what I just told you." And she was right.
I think this method -- swatting with a switch -- is far superior for getting the point accross to having a smattering of self-righteous yahoos scattered throughout the service nodding in agreement with Matt as he makes his point, just in case we weren't paying attention or can't think for ourselves. In fact, when a hickory switch toting pastor spots someone nodding in self-righteous agreement I think they should jerk that person out of her seat and drag her up on stage and do a "laying of hands" grandma style, if you get my drift.
And during the worship service, the off-duty pastors should be out in the parking lot and in the local neighborhood getting license plate numbers of people who have parked in an immoral fashion, submitting those to the Highland Village Police to run the tag to find the name of the owner, and then before the sermon starts the offenders should be called up on stage as if they were about to get an award and they too could be receivers of a "laying of hands".
I think it's about time we put words to action at this church. No more namby-pamby, wishy-washy "suggesting" that people follow Christ. I think it's time to get serious and start taking names and kicking . . . bee-hind.
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