Matt's Message 14/15 Feb: Church Only Needs 10 Things to Function

In a well received message, the image of Matt flickered faithfully while crowds of people who own alarm clocks and can tell time looked on. The theme generally revolved around what kind of people are needed to make a church. From memory, Matt's message summarized:

1. You need some people
2. These people need to own Bibles and be somewhat familiar with them
3. These people need to lose their Bibles in the vicinity of The VC so that they (the Bibles) can end up in the "lost and found" enabling Matt to make a joke about them (the people and the Bibles) every 6-9 weeks
4. These people need to be made up of three distinct groups: (a) self-righteous, sanctimonious jerks, (b) total and complete sin-bent buffoons and (c) everybody else. This is critical otherwise Matt won't have any material for sermons and the church will die.
5. People with servant's hearts, by which we mean people whose chief reason for serving is to be seen serving thereby ensuring their entrance to heaven (though the church rarely promotes this method of salvation and would prefer to keep it a secret from those who don't tithe)
6. People with piercings, tatoos, and bizarre hair to provide credence (by which I mean "lip service")to the church's motto that it is OK not to be OK or OK to be not OK or some-such nonsense.
7. People with really, really expensive cars to be the objects of derision
8. People who are confused in a moron way about scripture ("If I kill somebody and ask for forgiveness and then kill somebody else, can I still ask for forgiveness or am I limited to just one killing?") for the same reason
9. People who do not own a watch or clock, or who cannot tell time, or who are habitually late to everything all the time so that during announcements the pastors can say "they're lined up outside" at 15 minutes past service start time
10. Regular attenders who are basically liars so that Matt can address them pretty much every other week by saying "if you were duped into coming here because you were asked to brunch . . . "

So if you have this basic make-up you are a healthy church.

Summary provided by Gilbert Montez.