Seats for any Sunday 11:00am service can still be purchased but don't buy them from the "greeters" as this is a violation of the church "don't buy seats from the greeters" bylaw contained in the new covenant that you have not received yet and may never receive. Or perhaps your wife or your husband received it and he or she simply hasn't shared it with you yet because it wasn't actually addressed to you. Or maybe you are not a member of the church and you are free to act in a sinful and carefree manner without consequence.
Seats for the service start at $250 for the areas closest to the exits and as low as $1.44 for seats in the front row, regardless of whether the service is live or video. All seats must be prepaid and because of secular progressive communist-style overbearing tax law the payment must be made in cash and cannot be made to a church staff member without severe penalty. The tax law is actually such that you must not even mention that you paid for a seat to anyone or the church will be taxed out of existence and you will forever be directly linked to if not outright responsible for the closure of one of God's favorite Weigh Stations.
Simply put your cash in an unmarked envelope with a note indicating your seating preference and slide the envelope into the rear window of the black 2001 Chevy Impala parked at the Grumpamoose Bar and Grill on the corner of 407 and Sellmeyer. DO NOT PUT YOUR NAME OR ANY INFORMATION THAT MIGHT REVEAL YOUR IDENTITY on or near the envelope. You can safely assume that your seating preference will be considered and if possible accommodated and we will do our level best to hold the seat(s) for you until 10:20 am on the morning of the service at which time it (they) will be released to the general public if you have not bothered to show up to claim it (them).
Sanctuary Seats go On Sale Soon!
In a similar story, all seats at the Village Church will soon go on sale "Texas Stadium" style so you can have a priceless, family heirloom quality chair taken from the actual sanctuary where "it all began." To claim your chair, simply use a large-tip black Magic Marker (tm) to write your name and address in large block letters plainly on the seat. If the seat you want has already been claimed, simply mark out that person's name and write your own name and address on it ONLY IF YOU REALLY WANT THAT PARTICULAR SEAT. Once you have slipped an envelope containing $800 IN CASH for each desired seat into the rear window of a 2001 Black Impala which will be parked at the Grumpamoose Bar and Grill at the corner of 407 and Sellmeyer our processors will begin processing your order and you can expect to receive your chair(s) in the future.
The Village Church Faces Possible Name Change
In a surprise development this week, total cash financing for the Flower Mound Expansion may have been secured. In a closed meeting held at the Grumpamoose Bar and Grill on the corner of 407 and Sellmeyer, negotiations with 4 different financiers was discussed, the outcome of which has yet to be determined due to legalities and financial dealings that are far too complicated for you to understand. Further negotiations will be held later this month at the Grumpamoose Bar and Grill at the corner of 407 and Sellmeyer.
The Possible New Names:
- The Village Ballpark in Arlington Church
- The Village Hair Club for Men Church
- The Village Grumpamoose Bar and Grill Church
- The Village Cabaret Royale Mens Entertainment Center Church
The church elders were asked to comment on this development but when we stood in our front yard and shouted their names and asked them to comment at 4:30am yesterday morning, we received no comments. Further announcements will be made in the future provided we have announcements and that there is a future.
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