Spring 2009: It's Over For Now

I've always felt like I wanted to say something, and I've pretty much always wanted an audience. I still feel like I have something to say, but that feeling has become totally decoupled from wanting to be heard. Perhaps that's because I no longer feel so arrogant, that what I have to say is worthy of being heard. Or perhaps it's humility, a realization that what I think is important or funny isn't really very important or funny, or even if it is . . . so what?

I don't have the determination or drive to "write" full time or for a living, and inspiration is elusive and unpredictable at best, non-existent at worst. Up to now my life revolved around gaining favor, impressing people, seeking approval and generally elevating myself wherever possible by whatever means possible.

I have attended the Village Church for almost 5 years and my life and my heart have changed. Ok, so maybe I think I've changed, but I have proven more than once that I am a poor judge. of the heart. In any event, I have met at least 20 people for whom I have great respect and who will always have a place in my heart and prayers. Yet I never hear from any of them. Well, that's not completely accurate. Lee, I love you, buddy. The others . . . a smile in the foyer, a nod coming in the door, a handshake and sometimes a hug and a few kind if not well worn, rehearsed words. But I am a stranger at the Village, or at least I feel that way. I used to call most of these people at least once or twice a month. But then I began to feel foolish. How long do you call someone after you realize that they've never called you? I understand this sounds maudlin and smacks of someone feeling sorry for themselves. That's truly not the way I mean it. It's just amazing to me given what's preached at the Village measured against what's practiced here on earth.

AA and NA have taught me that whenever I find something to complain about or something wrong with relationships with others, I need to look inside because the "problem" almost always lies with me. AA and NA mean a lot to me, and I've recently heard that both groups have fallen into disfavor at Recovery at the Village . It's sad to think that organizations whose sole purpose is to help others recover from chemical addiction are not embraced unconditionally by the church regardless of their method. I guess it must have something to do with the "Higher Power" concept and the lack of mention of "sin" in the 12 Step program. Imagine not getting to heaven because of the semantic minefield which is the English Language misused and misunderstood.

This note is not to you. It is to me, in an odd metaphysical sense. And it is written in blog form because it closes a chapter which began with a sarcastic question from someone at the church. A question which I answered with a great deal of sarcasm and cynicism over the past few weeks.

Truth known, I suspect that many of my spiritual beliefs would be regarded as heretical if not outright antithetical to certain teachings at the Village. I'm told that it's safe to be broken there, and that's true. I certainly feel safe. As my NA sponsor once told me "don't put your faith in people, they'll only let you down." He's right of course, which is why we need to put our faith in Christ. Not in the Village Church or Recovery at the Village or Small Group or Parking Service.

Dang it, I'm late for an AA meeting, and I can't pay my bills and the Stars likely won't make the playoffs.