Matt's Message 21/22 Feb: Hot Talk

I usually try to sit on the back row of the sanctuary in the seats between the pillars. I used to sit on the front row because I was so easily distracted that I needed to have Matt or Video Matt right there in my face so I'd be reluctant to doodle, or daydream or stab at my son with a paper knife made from the church bulletin. Truth is, I am still easily distracted even while sitting on the front row, which [sitting on the front row] has the added disadvantage of being the slowest, most aggravatingly difficult place to exit the sanctuary from, or "from which to exit the sanctuary." Not that exiting the sanctuary is the foremost thing on my mind during the sermon. It is the foremost thing on my mind as we are driving into the parking lot . . . and then I get distracted.

Sunday, during Matt's sermon about God or Jesus or Sin -- Ok, well, I think we can safely assume it had something to do with the Gospel, or the Greatspel, as those of us "in the inner circle" refer to it -- I realized (by which I mean my wife kept punching me and telling me) that the area at the back of the church is hotter than any other area of the church I've sat in with one notable exception being the "Yellow Room (12-18 months)". Maybe it's because in the center back row we are sitting right underneath the $4.5 trillion high definition projector purchased by the church because of Matt's inability to drink enough coffee to make it through 27 sermons each weekend.

Or it could be that's where Satan sits, which makes sense because his presence seems to effect that area in the form of a total and complete lack of interest in worship or films or baptisms or announcements or the sermon, evidenced by the nonstop murmuring and whispering and muttering and chattering and sussuration (not my word, "google's" idiot response to "synonym murmur"), all of which would prevent the most focused person in the universe from listening to Matt even if his life depended on it which, ironcially, it does. And for the 3 people who've read earlier posts on this blog and who posses more than 8 functioning brain cells you are now asking "aren't you deaf? How can you hear murmuring or muttering?" That's my point. I figure that a person at the back of the church could be playing a snare drum while shaking a coffee can full of nuts and bolts and yodeling and would still be drowned out by the noise on the back few rows, which includes Servant/Greeter A asking Servant/Greeter B in a voice typically reserved for speaking to someone 75 yards away during a Metallica concert: "Are there any seats left near the front? Sure is hot and crowded today here at the back of the sanctuary where we are shouting to be heard over the murmuring and muttering and the person who is yodeling and drumming and shaking a can containing bolts and nuts!". There seems to be a total disregard for 1) Song 1 of the Worship Service, 2) Announcements, 3) subsequent songs of the Worship Service and 4) The Main Event.

So let's talk about announcements for a minute since I have completely lost the thought that carried me tragically through the last couple of paragraphs. So, what's the point of the church bulletin if some yahoo interrupts the Worship Service to read what's already been handed to me at the door when I entered the sanctuary? And why can't there be more white space on the church bulletin for . . . taking notes on Matt's sermon? And why are we giving away bulletins to non-members? Shouldn't they share one with a member, thus fostering fellowship? Or would that be seen as contributing to the "hooking up" atmosphere which is essentially what The Village Church is all about for 18-25 year olds?

I have no clue. Most of the time I don't have any idea what anyone is talking about. However, I know exactly what Cheryl Crow means when she says:

"I'm just wondering why I feel so all alone,
Why I'm a stranger in my own life."

Every day is a winding road.

Edie Brickell, who clearly has attended a lot of Philosophy classes but has never visited the Village Church has this to say:

"Philosophy is a walk on a slippery rock.
Religion is a smile on a dog."

Appropriately she goes on to say:

"I'm not aware of too many things,
I know what I know if you know what I mean."

No, Edie. I have no freaking clue what you mean. But before you think I only listen to Pagan / Non-Christian music on my iPod, you should know that I also listen to that most famous of Christian bands, Jefferson Airplane and noted Christian Evangelist Grace Slick where she sings:

"When the truth is found to be lies,
And all the joy within you dies.
Don't you want somebody to love,
Don't you need somebody to love,
Wouldn't you love somebody to love?
You'd better find somebody to love."

Isn't this clearly a revival call?

Matt's Message 14/15 Feb: Church Only Needs 10 Things to Function

In a well received message, the image of Matt flickered faithfully while crowds of people who own alarm clocks and can tell time looked on. The theme generally revolved around what kind of people are needed to make a church. From memory, Matt's message summarized:

1. You need some people
2. These people need to own Bibles and be somewhat familiar with them
3. These people need to lose their Bibles in the vicinity of The VC so that they (the Bibles) can end up in the "lost and found" enabling Matt to make a joke about them (the people and the Bibles) every 6-9 weeks
4. These people need to be made up of three distinct groups: (a) self-righteous, sanctimonious jerks, (b) total and complete sin-bent buffoons and (c) everybody else. This is critical otherwise Matt won't have any material for sermons and the church will die.
5. People with servant's hearts, by which we mean people whose chief reason for serving is to be seen serving thereby ensuring their entrance to heaven (though the church rarely promotes this method of salvation and would prefer to keep it a secret from those who don't tithe)
6. People with piercings, tatoos, and bizarre hair to provide credence (by which I mean "lip service")to the church's motto that it is OK not to be OK or OK to be not OK or some-such nonsense.
7. People with really, really expensive cars to be the objects of derision
8. People who are confused in a moron way about scripture ("If I kill somebody and ask for forgiveness and then kill somebody else, can I still ask for forgiveness or am I limited to just one killing?") for the same reason
9. People who do not own a watch or clock, or who cannot tell time, or who are habitually late to everything all the time so that during announcements the pastors can say "they're lined up outside" at 15 minutes past service start time
10. Regular attenders who are basically liars so that Matt can address them pretty much every other week by saying "if you were duped into coming here because you were asked to brunch . . . "

So if you have this basic make-up you are a healthy church.

Summary provided by Gilbert Montez.

Matt's Message 7/8 Feb: Religion is About Your Clothes

If you are reading this blog and wondering aloud "what the heck does that mean?" then you are probably not healthy mentally for wondering aloud and you are most likely me, because I am the only one who reads this crap. I've heard lots of stuff at The Village over the last few years, some of it controversial, some of it deep and difficult to digest, some of it even mildly offensive. But one thing is consistent about the message at The Village: it is always delivered using a microphone. And Saturday/Sunday's message was no different, although Matt looked a little out of sorts, perhaps it was because he died his hair and cut it short. He wore sandals also, which was a little odd though very Jesus-like.

And then he unleashed this gem: "If you want to get to heaven then you have to love people which can only be accomplished by putting on the proper pants." At least I think that's what he said, I usually don't pay very close attention until I see people nodding, thus indicating something righteous people agree with is being said. However, I personally have no clue what he meant by that, but he went on to say that putting on the improper shirt will render him very un-Jesus-like. Even putting aside the questions about where the heck Matt buys his clothes or who buys them for him or why he actually owns a shirt that makes him un-Jesus-like, I have a problem with this image. "Pants" is an odd word, like "trousers" or breeches, or britches, or chinos, or cords, or pantaloons, or rompers. These terms all connote different images and when I think of "pants" I can't help but think of the childrens board game "Ants in the Pants" which consists of a pair of blue plastic pants and pink plastic suspenders and multicolored plastic "ants" that you flip into the pants tiddley-winks style to "win the game", and I cannot for the life of me make the connection between this image and the New Testament. So envisioning Matt wearing "pants" in order to convey the gospel thereby propelling him heavenward is disturbing of not downright unstable. And shortly after that comment, people quit nodding and I lost interest in the rest of the sermon where he may have provided an explanation or a scriptural basis for holding such a goofy opinion. Although I can't immediately call to mind a Biblical reference to Jesus' wardrobe as containing pants, Noah may have brought a pair of pants onto the Ark, and I have a vague recollection of Matt more than once talking about a deer and pants. But the image of a deer wearing pants to convey the gospel causes even my whimsically eccentric imagination to throw on the ABS.

I usually go along with The Village, like signing the covenant agreement which oddly was sent separately to my wife and I (note to the church: we are married and live in the same house), and paying the monthly club membership dues which churchly people call a "tithe", but the direction Matt seemed to be taking in this weekend's sermon borders on the bizarre and I will need to think long and hard about this particular message and what sort of department store carries appropriate pantware. Not to mention I don't currently own an actual pair of blue plastic pants or suspenders of any color or material.

Life is Weighty and Has Consequences

The other night when it was freezing and sleeting and really cold I put on my heavy winter coat and walked to the end of the block and around the small lake in the park near my house. Twice. And being outside and feeling the frigid bite of the air on my face I felt very close to God, like He was walking along beside me. So I told someone how close to God I felt just being outside in the freezing rain and he asked me why. So I punched him in the stomach with Steely Knuckle Dragon Fist.